DireConsequences's Journal
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2 entries this month
Friday the 13th
01:18 Oct 14 2006
Times Read: 1,070
Today marks the two year anniversary of my father's death. I miss him so much and I feel guilty for so many things of the past that revolve around him. I know he forgave me for everything, yet I have not forgiven myself.
I left him that day because he told me to... not because I wanted to but he told me to go to school. I knew when I got the note in my fourth period class something had happened. I was scared he was in the hospital... he couldn't die, not yet. Well he did and I remember demanding the principal of my school and the other people in the office to tell me everything was alright and to tell me what was going on at least. They wouldn't even look at me. God I hate that feeling, when you know something is wrong and someone else that is standing right in front of you knows what is going on, yet they refuse to tell you.
Maybe they just didn't want to deal with me. I mean who really does want to deal with me except for a very small few people... three that I know of for sure. Even with those three, I have my doubts from time to time. Only one of them has proven themselves to me and shown me that they are not going anywhere and they will drag answers out of me if it needs to be done. I owe so much to all three of the people though and I don't think they realize how special they are to me. Pathetic thing is that I will never be able to truly show them, no matter how hard I try.
I think I have figured out that no matter how hard I try or how hard I work, I will always try to get the approval of certain people. I feel I will never be good enough for certain friends and that I am a bad influence. Well maybe I am, but maybe I'm not. I mean, I only try to help others and most of the time I succeed in helping them at least help theirself if not more. I guess no one can really know whether they are a good or bad influence and anyway it is more determined from what the situation is at the time.
I can't be perfect but I am always competing trying to be better than certain people in my life. I know I will never be satisfied if I do it and if I am always comparing myself but I just cannot seem to help it. So to help rid myself of this problem, I am trying to concentrate on myself more. I have been doing homework as soon as I get it to stay ahead in my classes, all of them. The only one I don't do it in is my online class because I need powerpoint for it and I don't have it on my computer right now.
I am going to start setting little goals for myself and try to stick to them. I have already been doing it with my classes but it doesn't seem to be enough. I want to succeed academically, so badly but it isn't enough for me. So I am going to try just doing different little things. So now when I come on here, I am going to try to rate at least 15 profiles a day and earn 10 favors for my house. It isn't much but I have been seeing how the little, tiny things are adding up to my confidence coming back and putting me in a better mood for the most part. So looks like the little things are the best damn things right now.
02:40 Oct 09 2006
Times Read: 1,084
I feel like I am losing my mind, my control with it all and I just want to hide, yet I can't.
Why has so much happened? Why?
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